I'm broken. My body feels like its shattered into a million pieces that won't ever be put back together. I feel like my heart and lungs have gone missing and in their place came a rain fall of pain and emptiness.
I'm at a crossroads in my life that i'm scared to death of starring straight at. I've side stepped it for so long, and chose to walk alone in the dirt out of fear for so long that I don't remember how to put one foot in front of the other on this solid ground.
Some time while I slept last night all the air inside rushed out of my body. I've woken to a haze that Ifeel is so heavy on my skin, almost like it's crushing my chest.
My faith in Him is at the forefront of my mind at all times, and all I want to do is lay my broken body at His feet and beg him to carry me through my loneliness.
I feel alone, but that part isn't new.. it's just no longer being covered up with rose-colored glasses.
I liked being niave, being childish-- feeling like the world is in MY control, and if I will things to change, change will happen.... but I'm no more in control than any of us are, and I understand what I'm feeling about as much as I understand microphysics...
God doesn't just place something on our hearts for no reason right? And he doesn't give us a challenge that he doesn't think we'll survive right? --- Those should be statements, not questions, but with my breathing ajar and my head spinning I'm in need of afirmation.
I turned to "Me,Myself & Lies" in the midst of my sleeplessness last night and read this:
Take this paragraph and insert your name, and pray it out loud-
Oh Lord, you have searched ______ and you know ______. You know when _____
sits and when _____ rises, you perceive ______'s thoughts from afar. You
discern ______'s going out and ______'s lying down; you are familiar with all
______'s ways. Before a word is on ______'s tongue you know it completely,
O Lord. (Psalms 139:1-4)
It spoke to my heart and ripped it open all at once. I stopped holding myself up and gave in to uncertainty and asked Him just to guard my thoughts while I felt too weak to do it myself.
I need a bucket of prays coming my way-- Prays that my heart and my head come out of the fog that slipped in over night like a frost does in the late fall. Pray that I make faith based decisions, and that I learn how to stop being so frightened by my own life. I feel like I'm so scared to lose people that I sometimes begin to talk myself out of being in their lives in the first place.
Just pray that I learn to separate the logical from the illogical, and that... well... that I survive myself despite my body currently turning against me.
Love Always,
KK
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